Sometimes I catch myself holding back – not because I don’t want to act, but because I sense that others won’t act. That hesitation has a name: the bystander effect.
We don’t want to stand out. We don’t want to expose ourselves to the risk of embarrassment or judgment. So we conform, hide, or wait for someone else to make the first move.
The bystander effect is the idea that when people are in a group, they are less likely to step forward, whether to help someone in need or simply act in line with their values. Two things are at play:
Diffusion of responsibility: “Someone else will do it, so I don’t need to.”
Social influence: “If no one else is acting, maybe I shouldn’t either.”
This phenomenon was famously studied by psychologists Bibb Latané and John Darley in 1964 after a young woman, Kitty Genovese, was murdered in New York City. Despite multiple witnesses, no one intervened (Bystander Effect, 2024).
Of course, the bystander effect doesn’t just explain why people freeze in emergencies. It also explains everyday moments… when no one helps a stranger jugging heavy bags, tells the shy person “we want to hear from you,” or points out lipstick smudged on someone’s face.
Here’s the truth: in a one-on-one moment, most of us would act. We would be helpful, supportive and encouraging. But in a group, fear of standing out often overrides our instincts.
I experienced this recently at an event. The speaker asked us to repeat after her. Instantly, you could feel the fear in the room. Everyone thinking:
“What if I repeat it but no one else does? What if I’m the loudest? What if people notice and judge me?”
In the end, people thankfully joined in. But there were definitely some half-hearted responds in the crowd and we have all experienced situations where people haven’t respond at all. I caught myself thinking about all the times I’d stayed quiet and small for the same reason. Something so simple can feel like stepping into a spotlight with a bright yellow jacket on.
Then it dawned on me: it isn’t embarrassing to support someone. It isn’t embarrassing to be kind, to be helpful, or to let yourself be heard.
So I spoke up – loudly and clearly. Not just to remind myself that it’s okay to take up space, but also to empower the speaker who deserved that energy back.
And that’s my reminder for you today:
Next time you notice that hesitation, act anyway. Smile at the stranger. Hold the door. Speak up in the meeting. Encourage the person who needs it.
The small act is bigger than you think. Every time you choose to act in line with your values, you strengthen the way you show up for others and for yourself.
Reference: Bystander effect. (2024, November 12). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/basics/bystander-effect
