It causes stress and anxiety and makes you hold back from doing things, saying things and, quite often, being yourself.
The fear of rejection often leads to behaviour which might be seen as insecure, ineffectual, nervous, insincere or overwhelmed.
The problem often is that the confirmation bias kicks in and people who fear rejection will then start ‘seeing’ things and find ways to confirm for themselves that their feelings are validated. That they are in fact being rejected.
This self-fulfilling prophecy can be a very tough one to break.
If we go back to the roots of it, rejection isn’t just psychological, but biological.
Think about it. Many years ago, rejection was the ultimate threat in that being rejected from your tribe meant certain death.
If you were rejected from the tribe you would be alone. You would have to hunt on your own. Stay warm on your own. Stay safe on your own. Stay alive on your own. Survive on your own. And, you would also not be able to find a mate and make little versions of you running around.
Rejection was, back then, the ultimate punishment and something that basically kept us alive. You would toe the line, and not do or say certain things because of the fear of being rejected.
Fast forward to today.
If you’re rejected by a guy or girl you try and chat up in a bar, you’re not going to be kicked out of the tribe to fend for yourself.
If you apply for a job and you get rejected, you’re not going to have to fend of sabre-tooth tigers and shit like that on your own.
If you post something on Instagram and people reject it or leave shitty comments, you’re not going to die somewhere alone in the wilderness.
Here’s the truth. If you get rejected in any part of your life – ready for this? – you’re going to be okay!
As hard as it might seem there are few ways in which you can start dealing with the fear of rejection.
The first is to face your fears.
Yes, I know it’s hard but the goal here is to prove to yourself that the anticipated anxiety and stress that you get from the fear of rejection is actually not as bad as you made it out to be in your head. By taking baby steps you can slowly start facing your fears and show yourself that there are no sabre-tooth tigers hiding in the dark.
The second thing you should look at doing is to work on controlling your emotions and subsequent behaviours.
By working with a coach or therapist you can cultivate coping mechanisms that will help you manage your internal anxiety caused by the fear of rejection and help you to reframe your thinking and headspace.
The third thing you should focus on, which also sums up the first two above, is to work on being more resilient.
I will be releasing my online Resilience and Resolve coaching program towards October and will be doing a deep dive into resilience closer tot he time but for now, here are a few things you could look at to try and cultivate a greater sense of resilience.
- build confidence in your own abilities
- work on improving whatever skillsets you have
- define SMART goals
- grow and maintain a strong social support structure
- focus on self care and make it non-negotiable
The fear of rejection is real.
The results of rejection that you have in your mind is not.
Do not let the fear of rejection cripple your happiness and be a debilitating factor in your life, take those baby steps.
And remember, there are no sabre-tooth tigers waiting in the dark corners or your world should you be rejected. They only exist in the dark corner of your mind.
If you’d like to chat about the fear of rejection or how to cope please feel free to get in touch.
