Who do you see when you look in the mirror?

Gerry van der Walt - Life and Performance Coach

Who do you see when you look in the mirror?

Do you like what you see?

When you look in the mirror?

Or don’t you look at the person looking back at you long enough to feel, or really see, anything?

Depending on where you’re at in life and how you feel about things that has happened to you in the past, or things that you’ve done, looking at yourself in the mirror can leave you feeling a certain way.

I’ve had people tell me that, when they look in the mirror, they talk that person down and tell them how sad and pathetic they are. They they’re a loser, not worth anything and that they don’t deserve anything good in life.

On the flip side, I’ve had people tell me how they try and talk the person in the mirror up to try to fill them with confidence and make them believe they can crush life.

Now as admirable as this is, and I wouldn’t be surprised if quite a few of you have had inspiring chats with the person in your mirror, talking to that person and not following it up with action isn’t going to lead to any sustainable change.

More than that, talking to your person in the mirror and not executing against the inspirational and motivational things you’re saying will eventually lead you to having very different conversations with that person.

Disappointment. Regret. Sadness. Anger. Lack of confidence. Frustration.

Yes, that’s where the person in the mirror can lead you if you don’t check the kind of conversations you’re having with… yourself.

Would you stand face to face with a friend, family member or even a stranger and tell them how sad and pathetic they are? How fucked up their life is and that they don’t deserve to be happy?

No, I don’t think you would.

You’d probably also agree with me that if you saw a person doing that to someone else you’d feel uncomfortable, sorry for the person being attacked and feel that it’s unnecessary and unfair.

Why then, are you okay doing it to yourself?

Why are you okay belittling yourself?

Why are you okay breaking yourself down?

Why are you okay with not being just a little kinder to yourself?

Why are you okay with not holding space for the person in the mirror?

Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up how hard we are on ourselves and how our lack of being able to have some empathy for our person in the mirror can, literally, break you down and stop you from, rather then simply existing, actually… live.

When you’re dealing with a traumatic event from your past, one of the therapeutic exercises involves trying to recognise the person that went through the trauma as a different person to who you are now.

Because you are not the same person that went through the abuse, loss, change, shock or life altering event. On the outside you’re the same, but you’re not the same person. You have changed.

Imagine, if you will, someone tells you a story about a 7 year old child who is abused by a person close to them. Yes, I know it’s beyond fucked up and I’m truly sorry if this hits a nerve, but please just bears with me.

There is absolutely no way that, when you hear a story like this, you won’t feel sorry for that child.

You’d care.

You’d want to help.

Do you think you’re the same person you are now than when you were when you were 7 years old?

You know you’re not.

Why then, regardless of the age of the different versions of you that might come to mind, do we find it so damn difficult to disconnect ourselves from our past?

Why then, when you look in the mirror do you see a person who is carrying the weight and emotions and trauma and regret and all these emotions that are left over from, literally, a previous lifetime?

If you fucked big time up as a younger person and you made mistakes, why hold the person in the mirror accountable?

If you were to take a picture of that person – the child that was wronged, the person who stayed with an abusive partner for too long, the person that made life changing mistakes – and you stuck this picture on your mirror, you’d see the difference.

Yes, you will see similarities but you’d also see a different version or yourself.

A previous version of yourself.

You’d see a version of yourself that you might be able to feel empathy.

You might see someone who you care for.

You might see someone you want to help.

We all have an internal mirror that we use to define ourselves. This internal mirror shows us who we are and how we see ourselves.

When you look in your internal mirror you’ll see a version of you that shows your reality including the people around you, your work, who you are.

This version of you, is how you define your self-worth, self-esteem, confidence and happiness.

Trauma.

Death.

Divorce.

Disease.

Abuse.

Crippling anxiety.

Depression.

Bad mistakes.

Any one of these things can break your internal mirror and scatter the image you have yourself, and your reality, all over the floor. If you were to pick up one of these pieces you might see a small part of you but it will be incomplete and just a small part of the person you used to see in the mirror.

Now what would happen if you do the very hard work of picking up all the different pieces and stick them back together? Would the reflection be the same? Would you see the same person in the mirror?

No.

Once a mirror breaks the reflection will, regardless of how much effort you put in it finding the pieces and sticking them back together, never be the same again.

The reflection will never be the same.

There will be distortions.

Cracks here and there.

Missing pieces.

But if you were to look closely, you’d recognize the person in the mirror. Through all the flaws in the mirror you’d see the person you are now. With new flaws. Imperfections. Scars.

One of the main reasons we struggle with depression and anxiety and an unhappy, disconnected feeling in our lives can be measured in the difference between the person we used to see in the mirror versus the repaired reflection of a mirror that has been stuck together.

If, for example, your original reflection included a partner, which would have been a part of the version you saw in the original reflection, but the mirror breaks – a traumatic break up – this old version of yourself might still be who you identify as and expect to see in the mirror.

Once time passes and you look in the mirror that has been made up of all the pieces you have painfully picked up, even though you recognise the reflection , you just cannot accept that the new distorted, repaired, flawed person you see… is you.

This disconnect – between the reflection you see in your internal mirror versus what you’re expecting to see, or what you’re feeling – is one of the biggest sources of mental pain and hurt and anxiety and depression. It’s one of the big things that stands in the way of a fulfilling, happy life.

If there is one thing you could focus on in order to make a dramatic change in your life, it would be to start looking for, accepting and loving the reflection you see in the mirror that has been fixed.

You will still see you.

But the image will be different.

If there is one thing you could focus on in order to make a dramatic change in your life, it would be to start accepting and loving the reflection you see in the mirror that has been fixed.

You will still recognize the person in the mirror.

But with a few changes.

And a few similarities.

You might even see pieces of yourself that you never recognized before.

Beautiful pieces.

Unique pieces.

Strong.

That has always been there.

But that you’ve never seen or paid attention to.

There is not one single person out there whose internal mirror shows the same reflection over time.

For good or bad, the reflection will change.

The mirror will break, and it will break again, that’s a guarantee. You’re gonna make mistakes, sometimes seriously bad ones, and fucked up stuff might happen. That is life.

But when you pick up the pieces, small as they may be, you will still be able to recognize the pieces of the person you are.

And the new reflection will be unique and beautiful in its own authentic, compromised and vulnerable way.

Let me say this again…if there is one thing you could focus on in order to make a dramatic change in your life, it would be to start looking for, accepting and loving the reflection you see in the mirror that has been fixed.

Is it hard? Yes.

Probably one of the hardest thing some of us will ever have to do.

Is it scary? Yes.

Because you’re going to have to dance with your demons.

Is it worth it. Yes.

Your life will start changing.

It will.

A few days ago I recorded the video below in which I share more thoughts on the broken mirror as well as “kintsugi”, which is an old Japanese art form which can teach us a lesson about life and how to deal with things that break.